There have been so many times where I sit and wonder what I ever did to you. I also wonder why I even tried to keep our so called friendship for so many years. I remember a time when we were so close and we would tell each other all of our secrets. Something snapped in our freshman year of high school and our friendship became a downward spiral. I really don't remember what happened for our first fight; I showed up to school one morning and all of our friends were around you. They were giving me stares that made me feel as if I had no one. I went and sat in the band room and went into the instrument room. There was a tiny alcove for me to sit in and I cried as I listened to "It's Only Life" by Kate Voegele. Ever since that day, this song has been my rock through tough times. We became friends again, of course. The two of us and the girl with fire for hair were the best of friends; the Three Musketeers, even. The three of us have been through so much together - good and bad - for the past five years.
I had a bonfire at my house, one of the many I have had since the seventh grade, and you arrived with a little gift baggie in your hand. You handed it to me telling me that your mom and you picked it out. When I pulled my gift out of the bag, I was surprised and a little bit embarrassed. I looked at you and laughed so hard at what was in my hand: a blue thong with sequence that were in a pattern to look like cherries. I remember hugging you and laughing with our friends who were also there. Cherry was my flavor as an inside joke between our group and to get such a gift was just perfect. Nothing went wrong at the party, it was what happened a few weeks later: my mom found the thong while she was doing my laundry. She had asked me where I had gotten it and I couldn't rat out your mother or you. I just kept telling her that I didn't remember - not a very believable story. She was pretty angry and even threw my cherry thong away. When I told you about this the next day or later on in a text, we laughed about it. No big deal. Little did I know that you would use this against me later on.
I was walking to the elementary school that wasn't very far from the ninth grade campus (yes, the freshman had their own building). You and I were texting each other, like normal, and every thing was perfectly fine. When I got to my mom's classroom she asked me to read a story to the kids. I loved doing that so of course I accepted. While I was reading to them, my phone vibrated in my pocket; three long pulsations and then it was done. A text. After I was done reading to the kids I opened my phone and saw a text from you. I thought it was just a continuation from our conversation that we were having, but something had gone wrong. Apparently I had sent you and your mom a text saying: "Haha." and when I checked through my texts, I didn't see one sent to either of you. I told you that I didn't send you one and all hell broke loose. You kept saying that I was lying and I would say that I wasn't. This carried on for a while until things really started getting nasty. You told me that you hated me and that you wouldn't give a shit if my mom beat me. Plus, you said that your mom got a horrible look from my mom because of the whole thong thing. If you don't recall, I had told you that I had lied and said that I didn't know where I got the thong. My mom knew nothing of you guys buying it for me. That argument was invalid.
You have to understand that when I get to that place of where I am completely livid, I basically black out. I have only been in that position twice and this fight was one of those times. I really don't remember what I had said or much else of what you said but all I know is that we weren't friends by the end of the day. I did, however, cry to my mom and showed her some of the texts you sent me. What you said was really rude and I'm sure that what I said was rude as well, and I apologize.
We didn't talk at all through the whole summer. Well, not until Band Camp in August. It just so happened that we were roommates with our friend who had the fiery hair and another girl who was also in the flute section. The first night was the worst. You and our red headed friend stayed up late gossiping, watching two of my favorite movies: Titanic and The Phantom of the Opera, and laughed until really late at night. Our other roommate had gone to the hospital for the night because of dehydration. I was lonely and very sad. I wrote a poem about how lonely I was and sent it via text to the girl you were giggling with. She came into my side of the room and sat down at the foot of my bed. I ignored her and she started crying. When she left, I was listening to "The Scientist" by Coldplay. I paused it at the beginning and as I walked by your side of the room with our crying friend, I left it on her bed while walking to the bathroom. When I walked out of the bathroom, I saw that you were listening to it. The next day, we were laughing and having a good time; good friends again.
This wasn't going to last of course. We started fighting toward the end of our Sophomore year. I had made our red headed friend cry since I had told her that I felt like I was second to you. She always sided with you, always followed you, always picked you over me when we were fighting. And, frankly, I was sick of it. So I told her flat out how I felt while we were walking around in the school before first hour. She was crying because she felt bad, not for me saying mean things to her, just so you know. Of course, you took it the wrong way and thought I said some horrible things to her. Did you know that she and I didn't talk the whole day because of you? Did you know that I cried in first hour and that her and I had the same class so it was awkward? Yeah, you probably didn't. It sucked to see you take her out in the hall because she was so upset during band class. I felt terrible but I couldn't do anything since you basically protected her. Do you remember the note you wrote to me? Yeah, the one telling me to back away from our friend because I hurt her and you won't stand for it? You told me that if I made her cry like this again that you'd do something to stop me from ever speaking to her. You told me to stay out of your life, her life, and to move away. You even threatened to move away yourself since I made your life "such a living hell". Oh please, I sucked up and apologized first every time. Did you know how pissed our friend was after finding out and reading what you wrote to me? The whole thing was this big misunderstanding because your brain led you to believe that I said something absolutely terrible to mine and your best friend. Well...I didn't. I just spoke my mind and look where that got me? In the shitter with you again. We made up, of course. Our friends couldn't stand it anymore so they pushed us back together. We were still feeling like we couldn't trust one another, but at least we were on speaking terms. But yet another fight happened; over something stupid, I'm assuming. I really don't remember why we fought so much up until our senior year. That year was the worst. Oh yeah, I'm getting to that next.
You got angry with me (surprise, surprise) again since there was yet another (surprise, surprise) misunderstanding. I got accepted to a writing class in Oregon and I went there for nineteen days. During this time, I had told the other section leader (who happened to be the other roommate we had for our first year of Band Camp...you know...the one who went to the hospital the first night?) to have a sectional every week so we don't get behind. I had asked not only her to keep me posted on what was going on, but for you and many others, but I didn't hear from any of you. Not until this blow up that damaged our friendship for forever. It started out by talking about nicknames for the whole section. Some of us were disagreeing (mostly me and you) and that fueled a huge fire. You wrote a really horrible status about me and I apologized for whatever I did wrong but you just kept on bitching. I tried to fix things and since I was coming home so soon I asked if we could just change the date of the next sectional. Of course, you had to disagree and then the other section leader disagreed as well. You said some pretty nasty things and I just sat at my computer confused, apologetic, and hurt. I cried, did you know that? I cried to my dad, my boyfriend at the time, and to our red headed friend. I was seriously hurt by all of the things you said, not only the things you said at this moment, but also for all the things you said in the past.
Our senior year at Band Camp was the worst. We were still pissed at each other for the fight we had while I was in Oregon. Drama continued and made Band Camp a living hell. I didn't get to talk to our red headed friend since she followed you every where and you two were roommates. I cried so hard the night that we were supposed to have a sectional but you and the other section leader told our section to go to the dorms. You were rude to me the whole time and it made me really angry. You basically stood up and took my position as section leader and I hated that. So I wrote you a long and somewhat rude note, telling you to back off and that I really can't handle being your friend anymore. You ruined the other section leader and my relationship as friends and that just made me angry as well. Of course, you printed this out and showed it to our band director and we had to have one on one chats with him. When I told him of our history of fights and how we never really got along, he was shocked. He really had no clue. Toward the end of our senior year I wanted to leave the high school with no bad feelings. I wrote you an apology letter and passed it to you during our Genetics class. We made up, gave each other hugs, and that was about it.
Little did you know, I knew you were pregnant before you even told me. Word travels fast, you know. But I was glad that things were somewhat okay between us. However, now? Yeah, no. We're okay to talk to each other but I know deep down that you still hate me. I really never hated you and I promise you that. You just made me so angry sometimes. I will tell you this though: Yes, we both just sort of snapped at each other every once in a while, but I strongly believe that you were the one who caused all of this fighting. You blew things way out of proportion all the time. I apologized first every time too. I fought for us to be friends for so many years. Even when our close friend, your "Best Fren", went to college with me, you found a way to weasel your way into my life. You wrote yet another rude status about me because you filled our friend's brain with bad thoughts about me. Her and I are great friends and always will be. I will always be in the picture. As will you. Just know, that despite all of this shit you put me through, I still fought for us. Not that you really gave a shit, but whatever. You put me through hell, woman. And I will never forget it.
Thanks for some terrible and not so terrible memories,
Samantha
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